It was amazing on Sunday to see everyone that came out. No one knew who we were, but their hearts said they needed to go. We had 42 motorcycles that went on the ride; they even allowed Holly and I to ride in the "drag truck" so we could be a part of the ride. It lasted around 3 hours, and I saw sites in Kentucky I never knew existed. I can see the allure of just cruising on a motorcycle for hours. When we got back, we had the drawing for the raffles. Longhorn Steakhouse had sent two employees, along with bags of peanuts and free appetizers. A local tatoo parlor gave away around $400 worth of artwork. Local restaraunts donated free meals, spas gave away discounts, it was a great day. But at the same time, it made us really think. Saturday was the day Allison was supposed to come home. Saturday was when Allison was supposed to sleep in her own crib. Saturday was when Allison was going to meet her two dogs and two new kittens. Saturday; so many expectations for that day. It still tears at me, and it always will. I have June and Holly, family, friends, and church to hold on to, but I still feel lonely.

I have had several neighbors come up to the house and comment on how my front yard looks. We haven't had alot of rain for a while, and everyone else's yard is brown and dry. My front yard is bright green. After we left the hospital for the final time, we went home. On the porch were several items from Target for the registry. After Tammy took them back for us, we got a gift card. I bought a grill and tools, grass seed, and a sprinkler. I've nursed the yard back from a dry wasteland, cared for it, nurtured it. It feels like as long as I have that, I haven't really lost her. I plan on setting up a small butterfly garden in the backyard with a fountain. I never even knew I could take care of a yard like that.

Have I let Allison go? Yes. Have I let the thought of Allison go? Never.

It's been two months since her passing, and it has gotten a little easier, but not much. Every once in a while I will backslide and have a few bad minutes, but then it gets better and I go on. I still have small fits of anger where I just want to scream at the top of my lungs what happened and I deserve everything that you can give me, but then reality sets in and I'm not the only one that this has ever happened to. Selfishness is a hard thing to beat, epecially when it is coupled with anger; but thanks to Dan and the others, I have the best help there is.
June started school so I have something to keep myself focused on. We went out shopping for school clothes for her on Saturday and ate at CiCi's, a pizza buffet place. We saw one of Allison's flyers on the wall and thanked the manager for letting us put it there. The next thing I knew we were given a few free buffet cards and their marketing manager's contact information. They said that CiCi's has "Benefit Days", where 10% of the receipts turned in would go toward the fund. We might take them up, we might not. There would probably be a lot of work involved, and I don't know if I could handle it. With Karen, Diana, Sheri, and Dan taking care of the event at church, it helps to not be directly invloved and to know that they, and everyone else around, would do anything to help us.

I have the official flyer for Allison's Motorcycle Run. Unfortunately I only have the black and white copy, but here it is. Flyer for Benefit for Baby Allison.

Please make sure that you contact the church with any questions because Chris and I have not arranged ANY of this. Karen and Dan Hillard, Dianna Schwier, and Sheri Bruce have made all the arrangements and would know more what needs to be done than we would.

So far there are 70 riders (that I know about, there could be more since I heard the last tally) and donations for the raffles from Texas Road House, Pompillio's, Brewster's (sp?) Ice Cream, and Sableux Salon & Spa. There could be more donators than that but again, I don't know. I'm just trying to get something together to say to all the riders and trying to compose myself.

Thanks to all who have volunteered so far. You cannot know how much this means to Chris and me!

More info on the charity ride for Allison's Memorial Fund. The date has been changed to August 26 which isn't that huge of a change. The donation price to participate in the ride is $10 or $15 for couples. There's about 70 riders so far and Karen Hillard and Dianna Schwier, my cousins are putting the ride information in an ad in a motorcycle magazine called Heartbeat and putting a commercial on local cable. It seems to being going good so far with getting money together for her medical bills and gravestone. I couldn't be happier about how really caring and supportive everyone has been.

Its been a month now and I'm finding myself crying less, though I still do cry. I get choked up about baby things, like clothes and the like. I know that I am lucky enough to be able to have other children but none will quite be Alli. I miss you so much Baby Girl. Mama loves you.

I got a bill from Children's Hospital on Friday and the grand total, minus what insurance was paying for, was $59,002. I about died when I saw it because I thought that was only for her 4 hour stay at Children's, but there were charges from Good Samaritin too. The bill calls for $1,700 from us, and from what Chris said to me after talking to a co-worker, the most we have to pay out of pocket is $2,000. That's just for Alli's care though. I still have a $900 for my c-section and another $900 bill for my hospital stay. To me that just seems wrong to charge so much. I realize all of the doctors and nurses that care for such precious babies need to be paid, very deservingly so, but it irks me knowing that alot of that money is going to an insurance company somewhere. I don't mean to be petty over money because I would gladly pay anything for how well she was taken care of but it just seems a bit much.

As far as grief, I myself am doing somewhat better though the nights are hard because that's when I'd go up to the NICU to see Allison. I miss touching her and holding her terribly but though death feels final when you're still living, I know that one day I will hold her again. Its just hard right now. I pray for all parents of children in NICUs all over because I know just how hard it is. Even when things are going really well you still feel drained from travelling, no matter how far, to see your baby. You just want them home. Just know that if your little one is in the hospital that you and your angel are in my prayers.

Just a note, yesterday Alli would have been 33 weeks gestation and today she would have been two whole months old. I miss you Baby Girl.